i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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