Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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