my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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