I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
