video games are the ultimate cock blocker
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
