I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
