Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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