Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Come see our sink grown plant.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
