question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
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