I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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