I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
