We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
