Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
