i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I love having hate sex.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
