Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
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