Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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