I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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