I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
