Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
