Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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