I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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