My nipple is on Facebook.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
