i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
