he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
