Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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