My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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