Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
