Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
