I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
God gave him joint rollers for hands
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
