What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
