there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
