Someone shit on the floor
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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