so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
