dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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