Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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