he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Randomize
