I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
