I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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