I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
