I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
