i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
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