ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
