Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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