I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
