hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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