im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Randomize
