We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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