Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
