Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
