the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Randomize
