Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
