someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
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