She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
