I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I skipped work to stalk him.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
